Wednesday, 3 January 2018

Beyond The Black Rainbow

Director: Panos Cosmatos Writer: Panos Cosmatos Stars: Eva Bourne, Michael Rogers, Scott Hylands Country: Canada Release Date: 3 December 2010

No time for reviews, so a few words for a little movie I watched years ago but it's still in my head will do. In a futuristic 1983, a girl with telekinetic abilities is an inmate of a new age psychopharmaceutical institute and is the object of obsession, both scientific and erotic, of it's paranoid director (a Patrick Bateman look-alike without eyelashes and on psychotropic drugs). Completely reasonable and expectable for her to try an escape. This impressive debut film for Panos Cosmatos is a psychedelic sci-fi thriller with scenography, cinematography and soundtrack (composed by Black Mountain's keyboard player) influenced by 70's and 80's relevant films from directors like Kubrick, Argento, Carpenter, Cronenberg, Lukas and Mann. If you like demented scientists, retro science fiction and LSD you'll probably like this one too. Fun moment of the movie? The metalheads in the forest, getting drunk while listening to Venom's Angel Dust!

(The trailer is cool but it could have been cooler) 

(The poster is hot but it could have been hotter)

 "It's only a kiss!"

 "I'm telling you, I'M NOT CRAZY!"

(Daft Punks not dead)

"Three out of three"
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Friday, 22 September 2017

The Strange Colour Of Your Body's Tears


Directors: Hélène Cattet, Bruno Forzani Writers: Bruno Forzani, Hélène Cattet Stars: Klaus Tange, Ursula Bedena, Joe Koener Country: Belgium | France | Luxembourg Language: French | Danish | Flemish Release Date: 12 March 2014

A guy returns home from a business trip only to find out that his wife went missing. Not able to find an answer he just sits down and starts drinking like a fish (the solution to all of life's problems), getting drunk and having the brightest idea, to knock every fucking door in the building in search for his wife! What could possibly go wrong in a building like a maze full of creepy tenants? A weird granny on the 7th, a lady of light virtue on the roof, a suspicious detective, each one of them is telling him their side of the story (that doesn't make any sense to begin with) and confuse a bit more our already confused protagonist, which wasn't enough for him that he lost his wife, he begins to lose his mind too.
"Come on baby, don't leave me alone in this creepy apartment!"

The film begins normal but soon becomes abnormal (like every relationship) and you'll have to burn loads of braincells if you want to keep up with it until the end. It's like this kind of girlfriend who is extremely beautiful but literally fucking crazy and you don't know how much longer you can put up with her shit before you decide to dump her.
"Did you just called me crazy?"

Directors Hélène Cattet and Bruno Forzani continue their vision from where they stopped with their debut film Amer, and go one step further with The Strange Colour Of Your Body's Tears by putting a lot of David Lynch and some Roman Polanski into their Mario Bava and Dario Argento. Apart from the eroticism and the gore of the Gialli films, it felt like Lynch's dream sequences and the paranoia of Polanski's Apartment Trilogy. They don't just revive the Giallo genre, they take the characteristics that made it so special (stylish killers stabbing stylish girls behind stylish cinematography in a nonsensical plot) and they enlarge them, multiply them and then poke your eyes out with them.
"I was blinded by it's beauty"

If you have already watched Amer expect more of it. If you haven't, it will be a unique experience. Secrets, conspiracies, lust, murder, 1/2 part reality, 3 parts surrealism, put lots of pretentious stunning visuals and all of the ingredients into a shaker and shake hard for about 90 minutes. A truly beautiful film that most people will find it hard to watch, but don't worry, if you're into Giallo movies, art films, music videos or perfume commercials (?) you'll probably like it.
(The trailer gives away everything! I'm just joking, there is nothing to give away)

(Good-looking retro poster)

 (This wound looks like a vagina for a reason)

 "Dexter is that you?"

"There is someone behind me, isn't it?"


"Two out of three, cause it's a one-time thing"

(From the soundtrack)
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Thursday, 14 September 2017

John Carpenter - Christine

Breaking news! One of the sacred monsters of the horror genre, the once-renowned John Carpenter returns to filmmaking after ages in slumber by directing a music video! A music video of his own music actually, the Christine theme from his new album of old hits (?) Anthology: Movie Themes 1974-1998.

Like the self-titled movie, this video begins with Christine, a possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury roaming the streets in the dead of night, brightly reflecting the city lights on her blood red paint, until her headlights flash upon a lonely girl in a dark alley. 

John Carpenter is paying homage to himself! The cinematography along with the re-recording of Christine's classic theme creates a four minute long 80's horror nostalgia. It almost feels like you're watching a new Christine movie, or a new John Carpenter movie in general. The creepy old man hasn't forgotten his art and you can't help but thinking "Why the fuck can't we have another Carpenter movie?"

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Friday, 8 September 2017

When Susurrus Stirs

Director: Anthony Cousins Writer: Jeremy Robert Johnson  Stars: Nathan Tymoshuk Country: USA Release Date: 2016

Do you like Sci-Fi/Horror movies? Are you a David Cronenberg fan? Do you enjoy gore and good old practical effects and animatronics? Are you sick and twisted? Do you listen voices from cosmic creatures? Is your face covered with blisters full of puss while the rest of your body is melting away? Then this nauseous spectacle is just right for you. If not, you can still give it a try.

The host is just an everyday guy who gets infected by ...well, nobody knows. This parasite is growing inside of him, taking over his mind and his body while the host instead of fighting back, he is welcoming the change and embraces his new purpose in life, to eat and make babies!

The short film When Susurrus Stirs is the story of one man’s twisted love for the godlike parasite growing inside him that could result in the end of us all. Dark humor, super-stylized visuals and horrifying effects make this a body horror tale of transformation from man to monster like none you’ve ever seen before. Based on the short story by Jeremy Robert Johnson. This body horror tale like no other thrilled international horror audiences and won 14 festival awards for its subversive shocks and stunning practical FX! Now it's finally here to infect the masses.

(The short film)

(The poster)

 (Me while I was watching the film)

 (Later when I brushed my teeth)

(Afterwards when I went to bed)

"Three out of three"

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Sunday, 3 September 2017

Among The Living


Directors: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury Writers: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury Stars: Anne Marivin, Théo Fernandez, Francis Renaud Country: France Language: French Release Date: 30 April 2014 (France)

Among The Living starts with a bang! A pregnant woman (yeah, that's what usually happens after a bang. Also, she couldn't be a man, or could she?) has had enough, she's fed up, she's sick and tired of her lazy, drunk, chemical exposed, DNA altered, war veteran husband, takes a baseball bat, goes full Negan on him and bangs his head hard (with the bat). Then she attacks her outside the womb DNA altered child (from papa's chemical exposed testicals), then her inside the womb baby, and last but not least her own self.

"When I say I want a peanut butter, beefsteak and avocado sandwich now. I MEAN MOTHERFUCKING NOW!"

After the opening scene we'll meet the protagonists. Three adolescents straight out of a Stephen King novel are walking around an abandoned movie studio only to find out a woman bound and gagged inside the back of a car. Instead of running away like scared little rabbits, they sneak and hide into their little rabbit holes to take a look at who and why is keeping the wee lassie trapped in the trunk, but when they do, then they run away like scared little rabbits pissing their pants, but unfortunately it's too late for running now (or pissing), because he managed to take a good look at them too, and has no intention of letting them reveal his secret love nest.

"The good, the bad and the ugly"

After they share their experience with the local sheriff (who of course doesn't believe them because they're a bunch of stupid kids doing stupid things) each one of them will go back to their homes like the three little pigs, until the big bad wolf comes huffing and puffing, to kill them and their families in ways we'll never see (?). At least we'll see the bad guy who is one of the creepiest looking villains ever (he looks a bit like the psychotic psychiatrist from Beyond The Black Rainbow).

(Croaks)

Among The Living is the third film by Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Mary. Their debut was the "New French Extremity" masterpiece À l'intérieur aka Inside, and their second film Livid is equally good but quite different. ATL is their first film distributed in the USA and unfortunately it's their worst! Don't get me wrong, it's not bad in general, but in compare with their previous work, it is. I won't refer to plot-holes, slow pace, poor structure and other terms of little importance to a horror fan, but to the one and only thing that can ruin the experience of viewing an otherwise good slasher film. The off-screen kills! Those who are on-screen are great, especially one of them is very inventive, bizarre and kinda kinky, but that alone is not enough. It doesn't do any justice when eight out of ten kills are off! What were they thinking? Was it a matter of budget? It doesn't look like it because the production values are high. A horror movie is like sex (or the other way around) and the kill is like an orgasm (what the fuck are you talking about?). what's the point of creating atmosphere, gradually building tension and suspense if not to reach climax? The point where the victim faces the killer and gets brutally murdered? Instead of showing us exactly that, rub the gore in our faces, the camera just turns away and cuts to the after-kill scene, like you're watching a butchered by censorship version of the film. Like every time you're about to cum she stops, before she cuts off your arms.

"What if I don't torture the characters, and I torture the viewers instead?"

Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury directed Leatherface, a prequel to the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which is going to premiere in a few days. After the last instalment of the franchise (Texas Chainsaw 3D, the worst of the series by far) I had no interest for another TCM movie whatsoever, until I found out who were directing it. As I said earlier, I really like Inside and Livid and I have high hopes that these two French will create a "Leatherface" that we'll all love again (crossed fingers for no off-camera kills).

("Meh" trailer)

 (USA poster)

(French poster)

(Cool poster)

 "They didn't show the kill! AGAIN!"

 "Maybe here they will"

"Here?"

 "What about here?"

 (Brazzers)

(It's called "wedge" for a reason)

"One out of three, it hurts you more than me"
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Sunday, 27 August 2017

Night Of Something Strange


Director: Jonathan Straiton Writers: Jonathan Straiton, Ron Bonk Stars: Trey Harrison, Rebecca C. Kasek, Wayne W. Johnson Country: USA/Canada Language: English Release Date: 22 November 2016

"Something Strange..." begins by showing us the shoes of a night porter walking him to the morgue to do his work. Only when I say "his work", I don't mean to wipe the floor out of whatever a morgue floor can have, I mean "his work". That is to look for the most fresh looking corpse, pull it out, push it in, and fuck it to the death (if it was alive). Cornelius (corny name) is not just down on his knees, he is also down on his luck, because the body he is having non consensual sex with (?) is of an unknown identity, of unknown cause of death and infected by an unknown sexual transmitted disease. All these unknown that won't be known for the next ninety minutes or so.

(Cold feet, warm heart)

The unfortunate Cornelius will pay in blood and sperm his shallowness of not taking precautions while fucking the dead (well, they don't get pregnant, or do they?), because the genital necro-warts that he got from the deceased, will transform him into something like an undead, sex-maniac, guinea pig of a failed Viagra (that's why kids you should always take precautions whatever you fuck, dead or alive, man or animal, fruit or vegetable), with the sole purpose of passing on the virus with the most enjoyable way the STDs are transmitted, by fucking! Oh, and to devour the flesh of the living. His first victim is the closest person to him at the time of his transformation, his beloved mother, where after he pisses on her to mark his territory, he will rape her in a very sweet and tender mother and son love scene, before he rips out her uterus and gobble it up, probably because he would have read in the internet that it's very nutritious. As it's perfectly normal in situations like these, his brutally murdered mother will be resurrected with the same superpowers and the same holy purpose, to eat and fuck everything that has a pulse. All of the above are just the first five minutes of the movie and it's nothing compared to what happens next, the story goes from silly to insane and it never stops! The movie get's in elbows deep and never gets out.

(Nice dress, it really brings out your eyes!)

Along the way we will get to meet the main cast, a group of horny and annoying college kids on a road trip to wherever they can get laid and get drunk undisturbed. Until, of course, they get disturbed and for some gruesome reason, they'll have to stop in the middle of the night, to stay in a motel in the middle of nowhere. In the same middle of nowhere where all the sex-crazed, flesh-eating, living dead maniacs, will gather for the all-night orgy we paid to watch. The group of friends will find themselves swimming in a deep sea of rotten testosterone, fighting their way to dry land while keeping their holes inviolable, striking this evil where it hurts the most, in the balls.

(Kick in the balls, or pussy, whatever)

If "Jackass" were filming a horror movie, they would film something like that. The entire movie is a big nasty joke, with the slapstick comedy and gross-out scenes coming one after another. If you are an immature, senseless and uncultured person (which probably you are if you are reading this), who thinks that fart jokes and people's suffering are funny, then this movie is for you. There is no point of counting how many gags are happening in this movie with cocks, cunts, period blood, cum, farts, shit, piss, with blood and gore on top of it. Oh, I almost forget, and the most unbelievable scene of accidentally gay sex I've ever seen (you mean you've seen many?). This film is truly a feast for the eyes, the same eyes you'll feast upon after you've seen it.

(This movie is worth seeing in 3D)

The guys who made this adorable abomination have also made "She Kills" which from the trailer looks like it's one of the same but it leaps more to the comedy side than the horror of the "Night...". The film was shot at just $40.000 and has more gore and imagination than the most higher budget horror movies out there. Movies like that should be taken as an example by Rob Zombie before he introduces his next "most brutal movie I've ever done" while complaining about the budget of a couple millions (now you're just being mean).
(The trailer doesn't do justice to the movie)

(Cool poster, that font though...)

(When you're so hungry after a Slayer concert, that you dive head first into the chilli)

(...and then you run to the loo)

"Should I visit the dentist or the gynecologist?"

 (And this is how you insert a catheter)

(Checking you babe's phone)

"That's for sending me dick picks"


"Two and a half out of three, I ate all the clotted cream"
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Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Horror And Weird Music Videos (Pt.1)

I was thinking it should be fun (should be?) to post some music videos once in a while, that fits the blog's description "horror, weird and surreal". That's the first of many to come (very optimistic of you). I had to plunge my eyes into the cyberspace's trash dump to pick up the nastiest music videos I could find, but it's impossible for one man to unearth every abomination lurking underneath the web, so I'm waiting for your own suggestions of music videos that should not be seen (or heard).

Torture porn in all it's glory before it was cool, in the once worldwide banned Nine Inch Nail's infamous "Broken" DVD (click here to watch the full DVD). A collection of four music videos tied up together through a "snuff" movie. My favourite part is "Happiness In Slavery", where a masochist lays on a mechanical torture bed which begins the foreplay with needles, and end's up being a meat grinder that turns him into fertiliser for the garden under.

Funny, weird and scary looking people in this nightmarish video of Mr. Oizo's (Quentin Dupieux) "HAM", directed by Eric Wareheimand the great John C. Reilly in the leading roleGreat suff.

Mr.Oizo - HAM

Jake Gyllenhaal is a sociopathic murderer in a swordsman's outfit, who had enough of all these young and beautiful people having fun, dancing and falling in love. I sympathise.

The Shoes - Time To Dance

Fidlar are an awesome band and Nick Offerman is an awesome actor. What do we get if we combine them? An awesome video. In this video Nick is a carpenter until he's friend, shit, auto correct, he's fired! Then he's not (a carpenter) and he does what anyone would do in his place, he get's pissed drunk and he pisses upon the world, or at least as much of it as he can. At the beginning of the video, when he wears his goggles, he looks a lot like the singer of Red Fang (the one with the goggles), another awesome band.

Fidlar - Cocaine

A romantic video where a cute Miss kills and dismembers with a handsaw her beloved sweetheart, before she buries him in the garden, making him fertiliser for her beautiful flowers. Probably she is the one that built that torture bed we saw a few minutes ago.
Broken Social Scene - Sweetest Kill

A young man goes rampant during a paroxysm of hornynes and destroys everything he sees with his meat-hammer (when all you got is a hammer...), until he transmits the sex-driven disease to his fellow human beings, and they all start together the titty-booty-dickhead bangin'. Artistic.
DJ Snake, Lil Jon - Turn Down For What

A claymation horror music video created by Lee Hardcastlethat combines supernatural and excessive gore, with references to the Real GhostbustersThe Thing and Super Mario (?).
Love Automatic - Nightmare

A revenge story with a Hammer Films atmosphere, where a supernatural mystical dog avenges the murder of a normal dog, from a hunter and his dog eating family.
Bodies Of Water - Under The Pines

This is the most brutal music video I have ever seen! And I have seen Necrophagia's "Through The Eyes Of The Dead", but for some reason "Through The Eyes..." feels more fun (you need a therapist). This is a gory as fuck music video that focuses on the reproductive organs ("as fuck") of both genders (what do you mean both? There is a whole spectrum of genders!). If you know a worst (or better, it depends who's watching) video please let me know. I wonder if the band members showed it (the video) to their mothers. Like "Hey mom, we made a video with the boys, do you wanna watch it?" - "Sure snuggle bunny! What is it about?" - "Male rape, double castration and forced gender reassignment!" - "Where did I go wrong with you?"
Cattle Decapitation - Forced Gender Reassignment

I couldn't end this post with the previous video, I had to wash up the taste of blood and shit out of your eyes, and what's a better way to do this from an animated 16bit fun video? There isn't. There is still sexual content and a rape going on in this video too, but it's much more light-hearted and family friendly (?).
Flairs - Truckers Delight

That's it, the first part of Horror And Weird Music Videos came to an end. If you know any videos that fit the description, feel free to leave a comment below.
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Friday, 18 August 2017

Deep Dark

 Director: Michael Medaglia Writer: Michael Medaglia Stars: Sean McGrath, Anne Sorce, Denise Poirier Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 28 May 2015

"Deep Dark" is the romantic story between a man and a hole (I could end this review here). Hermann is an unemployed artist living with his mother (typical). He is into "Kinetic Art", confident that he is the next big thing (typical), seeking for an opportunity to prove it (his sculptures reminded me of this scene from "Freddy Got Fingered"). Since Hermann is too talented to get a job, his poor mother is forced to rent out his bedroom because she can barely pay the bills. Hermann then realizes that if he doesn't find a solution quickly (except getting a job), he will soon be sleeping alongside with his beloved mother (what's wrong with that?) and calls his uncle (which happens to be a successful art dealer) to ask not for a job, but for some kind of tips on how to sell the garbage he makes out of garbage, for art. His uncle tells him that he can stay in one of his flats for as long as he wants to, for just $800 a month! They may be relatives but a good agreement makes a good friend. The flat of course not only doesn't look to worth $800 but it looks like a filthy hole, like an infested rectum that not even haemorrhoids would want to live there.  
"$800 a month, it's a bargain!"

Too bad for Hermann who cannot afford it, and since his uncle Scrooge doesn't discount, his last hope is to expose his work to the municipal art gallery, where a well-known agent will be there in search of talent. A great opportunity that can't go unexploited but can go terrible wrong, as his awkward piece of art will not only cause derision and mockery, but also cause havoc in the gallery. In the vertigo of his embarrassment, the hiss and the detest of the audience and fellow artists, Hermann, like a  miserable, desperate, hopeless, abject, begs the agent for a second chance and promises that if he doesn't hand over a masterpiece in the next two weeks, he will quit art, forever (unfortunately just art, not life)! Therefore he decides to rent his uncle's hovel for two weeks, and locks himself in to create his next masterstroke! The only good thing about this rathole is it's cute but creepy manager, who for some reason likes Hermann and flirts with him by making him pies (the way to a man's heart is through his stomach), with Hermann giving her the cold shoulder because he's s a wanker devoted only to his art (which is wanking).

There, in this slum, this concrete abscess, where even half-dead junkies wouldn't enter to die by shooting their last fix, pinning the needle straight into the brain through their eyes. There, up on the despair of his non-inspiration, Hermann will discover the hole inside the hole that he lives in. A hole that will give to his miserable existence a purpose, that will give him the verve to eventually create something that will matter. No, not the manager's hole, a hole in the wall. In the fucking wall! In one of his artistic deliriums, Hermann will notice a note coming out from a hole in the wall that says "relax, I can help" (relax, I can help you relax). The hole can help him indeed, but it wants something in return (there is no such thing as a free lunch), it wants cock! Yes, you read this correct. The hole in the wall wants to fuck (is it a glory hole?)! And when I say "fuck" I don't mean rough messy plastering and hard sloppy patching, but a thorough and meticulous work from a master craftsman, from a true artist, like Hermann (is this porn?).
(Next time be more careful where you stick your penis. Oh, there will not be next time)

After that, as a natural consequence the hole will start nagging, complaining and making scenes of jealousy (?) like, "Where have you been all day long Hermann?" - "Oh my God you're driving me insane! You're just a hole to me, JUST A HOLE!" and such. "Yes, but exactly how is the hole helping Hermann with his art?" I hear you say. I'll tell you, by taking a shit (it's getting better and better), or giving birth, I don't know which hole is it. Hermann is pulling out of the hole, as if he helps it give birth to, some kind of cysts, like big balls of mucus, which after he cleans them from the slime they're into, he uses them for his sculptures (I was creating such artwork myself as a child. I was sticking it under the desk).
"It's so beautiful, what is it? A rare gem?" - " It's a testicle"

Hermann will return to the gallery with his disgusting artefact after two weeks, as promised, and leave the agent utterly speechless. On the first exhibition the critics and collectors will be so excited and aroused by Hermann's hanging aphrodisiac goo dreamcatcher, that they will literally fuck each other right there on the spot! After such a hit (?), the agent will ask more artworks from Hermann to arrange an exclusive exhibition of his boogers, so that she can suck the juice out of his success. That means that Hermann must meet the requirements of the hole, keep sticking his pecker in, satisfying the hole's needs if he want's it to poop more of these rotten Brussels sprouts, to keep living his dream. But for how long can he fool the agent? How absurd the demands of the hole can go? And most importantly, who is behind the hole? The manager? His uncle? His mother? A hobo? Or is it just nobody because Hermann is a demented fuck that fucks bricks? Do you really want to know, does it matter?
(It's a bitch)

As I was reading my review (more like a description you mean), it gave me the impression that it's a fun movie. Don't be fooled, it's not. It doesn't even know what it wants to be. A comedy? A thriller? Science fiction? A romance? It has all these elements but none of them dominates the film, which ends up to be slow and boring. The idea is very weird, original and promising but the way it plays out is so disappointing. It's a crazy story that nothing crazy really happens, at least for the most part. Everything is indifferent to moderate, the cinematography, the acting, the characters, I thought I was watching a "made for TV" movie, and in particular an episode of the "Outer Limits", or something like that. As for the title of the film, misleading and vague. It should have been called something like "Glory Hole Of Death", or "Fucking House", these are more accurate, more fun and can sell more DVDs.
The trailer that gives away the whole movie (like your "review")

(Love can, this poster can't)

(That's right, use your fingers first)

 "Straight outta my nose. I wonder what it tastes like"

"Lowest frame ever. Who lived here? Trolls?"

(Brazzers)

 "I made you a pie. I can also make you babies!"

"Tell me that this is part of the exhibition"

"It's not bad, I could live here, me and my twelve cats."

"Half out of three because they didn't got married!"
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