Thursday, 8 March 2018

Knock Knock Knocking At The Devil's Door

Director: Nicholas McCarthy Writer: Nicholas McCarthy Stars: Ashley Rickards, Nick Eversman, Michael Massee IMDb Rate: 4.8/10 Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 8 August 2014 

Scumbag 'boyfriend' takes advantage of his naive girlfriend by dragging her stupid ass to a trailer-park trailer in the middle of fucking nowhere, to meet his 'uncle' and play a completely innocent game with him, for an exchange of five hundred bucks. Sounds legit right? In fact, he is delivering her like a sacrificial lamb to a bunch of devil worshipers to make her a vessel for Satan, or something.
"Don't worry, my uncle is rich and classy"

She goes like a dummy and does everything she's been told to for an easy buck. Who wouldn't? She didn't do anything crazy, just played cards with a dirty old man and went to a crossroad to say "I do" (like Ralph Macchio in Crossroads). What could go wrong? They were probably bullshittin' her anyway, what could she possible lose? I mean except from her soul! Unfortunately for her (fortunately for Satan) the devilmen weren't joking around, they were the real thing and as soon as the wee lassie goes home to take off her shoes, put on her headphones to listen some lame pop music, BAM! Her vessel fills straight up!
"I do, whatever"

After some time, (it's not clear how long) the house of the teenage girl is for sale and we meet another naive girl this time, a real estate agent, who is just doing her job, making an inventory for an abandoned creepy property, when she accidentally discovers Satan's five hundred dollars and the paranormal shit begins! From that moment on the story unfolds by showing us what is going on with the real estate girl, her sister, and through flashbacks the teenage girl's story we met at the beginning. I can't say anything else without spoiling it because what matters in this film is the story, it changes directions often, it takes you somewhere and then takes a turn and takes you somewhere else. It's like the director's (Nicholas McCarthy) previous movie The Pact (you should definitely check it out) which also relies on twists and dark atmosphere. The unsettling feeling through out the movie, the slow pace and the relatively complicated story that doesn't spoon feeding you all the answers and keeps you in the dark like the characters of the film is what makes this movie so effective.

(Standard trailer, nothing special but better from the uncle's)

(The poster is just ok, could have been better)

 "He is behind me, isn't he?"

(Something bad is gonna happen when the kettle is whistling!)

"Our supernatural pilates will leave your body out of this world!"

 (After the supernatural pilates)

 "My horoscope said that today I'll meet an Aries!"

"Two out of three, not bad"
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Monday, 26 February 2018

The Devil's Candy Is Sweeter

Director:  Writer:  Stars: ,  ,   Country: USA Language: English Release Date: 17 March 2017 (USA)

When you move into a house that you know that there has been a murder, and you listening to metal all day long, hanging Ghost posters on the walls and drawing reversed crosses, you're asking for it..
"Not even a poster of Madonna, or Wham, or Michael Jackson?"

The movie begins with a fat bald manchild (yeah, body shaming, thats who I am) playing a Flying V, in the middle of the night as loud as it can be, to silence the voice in his mind that keeps telling him EAT THAT PIE (how cool is that?)! After he wakes up his mother from her slumber, she immediately starts the "Are you crazy boy (duh)? Stop playing with it (the guitar), or I'll call the men in white to come and take you back to the looney bin", so he shoves it up her ass (the guitar), he brings it down on her face (the amp), and he keeps playing with it (the guitar). Don't get excited, unfortunately  that didn't happen, I just made this up. That would happen if it was my script and the movie would have been an instant classic. But let's say that he might not stopped the voices in his head, but he managed to stop the voice of his mother (hear that Norman?)
"And now I'm gonna perform my greatest hit, Eat That Pie"

After that first dark scene that sets the tone of the film, we meet our heroes on a more light and optimistic atmosphere. A metalhead artist (get a haircut and a real job type), his lame wife and their also metalhead daughter. A loving family of three trying to live the American dream (fortunately for us, they're going to live a nightmare instead)  by moving in a big house on the lea. Which by coincidence is the house that the big bald heavy (ha!) metal psychopath we met earlier used to live. In a big house that as long the mother is at work, because someone has to pay the bills of this family, the hipster daddy is all day in the basement playing with his ...brush, until he also starts to listen a voice in his head, and the fun begins!
"Where are you taking us daddy?" - "To Hell!"

Every time the father sits down to paint, he loses track of time, falls into a trance and starts painting like he is hypnotised (or possessed), and when he finally wakes up from paint-tripping he has painted the cover of the new Slayer album not remembering how, when, or why. The guy is increasingly falling into this state more and more often and he blindly fails to see that his wife and daughter need him now more than ever as they all start to sink into the pits of Hell and it will not be long before the fat guy with the flying V comes knocking on their door to start a band with their daughter to play Stairway To Heaven backwards.
"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour Lucifer?"

The fat guy who is now roaming free from the looney bin, has completely surrendered to the bitching of the voice and has become Satan's delivery-boy because his only job is to deliver candy to the devil, and by saying candy he means little girls (how creepy is that?). The metal father (who looks a bit like Jesus with his beard and long hair and been half naked in half of the movie) will have to stand against the delivery guy of Hell (who looks a bit like a cartoon devil with his bald head and fat belly, wearing a red tracksuit all the time) but also against himself if he wants to save his daughter from becoming the devil's candy.
"He said I was really sweet, how am I supposed to know what he meant?"

2009 was the year that the Loved Ones was released, Sean Byrne's directorial debut. A very impressive horror movie (especially for a debut) with a fun and original story, good cinematography and acting, and placed Sean under my horror radar, but unfortunately I never heard of him again until 2016 when I accidentally stumbled upon a new indie horror film called The Devil's Candy and I noticed that the writer and director was Sean. This is his second film and it is as good if not better as the Loved Ones. He left behind the Valentine's Day, the psycho families and the torture porn of the Loved Ones and he started working on haunted houses (like the The Amityville Horror), Satanic cults and psychological horror. This time he took the slow burn approach and created a dark and disturbing film without any physical violence and gore (there is plenty of red paint, which is the same thing) but with characters you care about and with a constant sense of dread from the first until the last scene. Along with the atmospheric cinematography and the soundtrack that includes oldies but goodies heavy metal hits, the Devil's Candy is what the title says, a candy for horror and metal fans (likewise Deathgasm was a birthday cake). Along with The VVitch the Devil's Candy are the best Satanic movies I've seen in years (the last good one was At The Devil's Door), but of those two the Devil's Candy was the real treat.

The evil oversized baby is played by the always pleasant to watch Pruitt Taylor Vince, and the metal dad by Ethan Embry which I've seen him in many cool movies like Cheap Thrills, Convergence, Vacancy and also the Walking Dead (he was playing Carter). Besides being unrecognizable in this film (not just because of the wig), he also played it real good (the part). The mum is also a known face, mostly from TV, but here her character is mainly supporting, whether she was on screen or not was kinda the same thing, so I'm not going into the process of making references, I also have to go, I wanna eat, sleep, wake up and eat again.

(Cool posters)

"What is that? Blood or just paint?"

"Muuum! Come and see what I drew"

(It looks like the girl on the painting is pulling her hair out looking at the guy in his sweaty boxers)

(Slipknot's guitarist without his mask)

(Any resemblance to actual persons, or actual events is purely coincidental)

"Two and a half out of three because there was no gore"
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Wednesday, 3 January 2018

No Pot Of Gold Beyond The Black Rainbow

Director: Panos Cosmatos Writer: Panos Cosmatos Stars: Eva Bourne, Michael Rogers, Scott Hylands Country: Canada Release Date: 3 December 2010

No time for reviews, so a few words for a little movie I watched years ago but it's still in my head will do. In a futuristic 1983, a girl with telekinetic abilities is an inmate of a new age psychopharmaceutical institute and is the object of obsession, both scientific and erotic, of it's paranoid director (a Patrick Bateman look-alike without eyelashes and on psychotropic drugs). Completely reasonable and expectable for her to try an escape. This impressive debut film for Panos Cosmatos is a psychedelic sci-fi thriller with scenography, cinematography and soundtrack (composed by Black Mountain's keyboard player) influenced by 70's and 80's relevant films from directors like Kubrick, Argento, Carpenter, Cronenberg, Lukas and Mann. If you like demented scientists, retro science fiction and LSD you'll probably like this one too. Fun moment of the movie? The metalheads in the forest, getting drunk while listening to Venom's Angel Dust!

(The trailer is cool but it could have been cooler) 

(The poster is hot but it could have been hotter)

 "It's only a kiss!"

 "I'm telling you, I'M NOT CRAZY!"

(Daft Punks not dead)

"Three out of three"
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Friday, 22 September 2017

The Strange Colour Of Your Body's Tears Is Red

Directors: Hélène Cattet, Bruno Forzani Writers: Bruno Forzani, Hélène Cattet Stars: Klaus Tange, Ursula Bedena, Joe Koener Country: Belgium | France | Luxembourg Language: French | Danish | Flemish Release Date: 12 March 2014

A guy returns home from a business trip only to find out that his wife went missing. Not able to find an answer he just sits down and starts drinking like a fish (the solution to all of life's problems), getting drunk and having the brightest idea, to knock every fucking door in the building in search for his wife! What could possibly go wrong in a building like a maze full of creepy tenants? A weird granny on the 7th, a lady of light virtue on the roof, a suspicious detective, each one of them is telling him their side of the story (that doesn't make any sense to begin with) and confuse a bit more our already confused protagonist, which wasn't enough for him that he lost his wife, he begins to lose his mind too.
"Come on baby, don't leave me alone in this creepy apartment!"

The film begins normal but soon becomes abnormal (like every relationship) and you'll have to burn loads of braincells if you want to keep up with it until the end. It's like this kind of girlfriend who is extremely beautiful but literally fucking crazy and you don't know how much longer you can put up with her shit before you decide to dump her.
"Did you just called me crazy?"

Directors Hélène Cattet and Bruno Forzani continue their vision from where they stopped with their debut film Amer, and go one step further with The Strange Colour Of Your Body's Tears by putting a lot of David Lynch and some Roman Polanski into their Mario Bava and Dario Argento. Apart from the eroticism and the gore of the Gialli films, it felt like Lynch's dream sequences and the paranoia of Polanski's Apartment Trilogy. They don't just revive the Giallo genre, they take the characteristics that made it so special (stylish killers stabbing stylish girls behind stylish cinematography in a nonsensical plot) and they enlarge them, multiply them and then poke your eyes out with them.
"I was blinded by it's beauty"

If you have already watched Amer expect more of it. If you haven't, it will be a unique experience. Secrets, conspiracies, lust, murder, 1/2 part reality, 3 parts surrealism, put lots of pretentious stunning visuals and all of the ingredients into a shaker and shake hard for about 90 minutes. A truly beautiful film that most people will find it hard to watch, but don't worry, if you're into Giallo movies, art films, music videos or perfume commercials (?) you'll probably like it.
(The trailer gives away everything! I'm just joking, there is nothing to give away)

(Good-looking retro poster)

 (This wound looks like a vagina for a reason)

 "Dexter is that you?"

"There is someone behind me, isn't it?"

"Two out of three, cause it's a one-time thing"

(From the soundtrack)
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Thursday, 14 September 2017

John Carpenter Is Still Alive, So Is Christine

Breaking news! One of the sacred monsters of the horror genre, the once-renowned John Carpenter returns to filmmaking after ages in slumber by directing a music video! A music video of his own music actually, the Christine theme from his new album of old hits (?) Anthology: Movie Themes 1974-1998.

Like the self-titled movie, this video begins with Christine, a possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury roaming the streets in the dead of night, brightly reflecting the city lights on her blood red paint, until her headlights flash upon a lonely girl in a dark alley. 

John Carpenter is paying homage to himself! The cinematography along with the re-recording of Christine's classic theme creates a four minute long 80's horror nostalgia. It almost feels like you're watching a new Christine movie, or a new John Carpenter movie in general. The creepy old man hasn't forgotten his art and you can't help but thinking "Why the fuck can't we have another Carpenter movie?"

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Friday, 8 September 2017

When Susurrus Stirs Stop Eating

Director: Anthony Cousins Writer: Jeremy Robert Johnson  Stars: Nathan Tymoshuk Country: USA Release Date: 2016

Do you like Sci-Fi/Horror movies? Are you a David Cronenberg fan? Do you enjoy gore and good old practical effects and animatronics? Are you sick and twisted? Do you listen voices from cosmic creatures? Is your face covered with blisters full of puss while the rest of your body is melting away? Then this nauseous spectacle is just right for you. If not, you can still give it a try.

The host is just an everyday guy who gets infected by ...well, nobody knows. This parasite is growing inside of him, taking over his mind and his body while the host instead of fighting back, he is welcoming the change and embraces his new purpose in life, to eat and make babies!

The short film When Susurrus Stirs is the story of one man’s twisted love for the godlike parasite growing inside him that could result in the end of us all. Dark humor, super-stylized visuals and horrifying effects make this a body horror tale of transformation from man to monster like none you’ve ever seen before. Based on the short story by Jeremy Robert Johnson. This body horror tale like no other thrilled international horror audiences and won 14 festival awards for its subversive shocks and stunning practical FX! Now it's finally here to infect the masses.

(The short film)

(The poster)

 (Me while I was watching the film)

 (Later when I brushed my teeth)

(Afterwards when I went to bed)

"Three out of three"

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Sunday, 3 September 2017

Among The Living French

Directors: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury Writers: Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury Stars: Anne Marivin, Théo Fernandez, Francis Renaud Country: France Language: French Release Date: 30 April 2014 (France)

Among The Living starts with a bang! A pregnant woman (yeah, that's what usually happens after a bang. Also, she couldn't be a man, or could she?) has had enough, she's fed up, she's sick and tired of her lazy, drunk, chemical exposed, DNA altered, war veteran husband, takes a baseball bat, goes full Negan on him and bangs his head hard (with the bat). Then she attacks her outside the womb DNA altered child (from papa's chemical exposed testicals), then her inside the womb baby, and last but not least her own self.

"When I say I want a peanut butter, beefsteak and avocado sandwich now. I MEAN MOTHERFUCKING NOW!"

After the opening scene we'll meet the protagonists. Three adolescents straight out of a Stephen King novel are walking around an abandoned movie studio only to find out a woman bound and gagged inside the back of a car. Instead of running away like scared little rabbits, they sneak and hide into their little rabbit holes to take a look at who and why is keeping the wee lassie trapped in the trunk, but when they do, then they run away like scared little rabbits pissing their pants, but unfortunately it's too late for running now (or pissing), because he managed to take a good look at them too, and has no intention of letting them reveal his secret love nest.

"The good, the bad and the ugly"

After they share their experience with the local sheriff (who of course doesn't believe them because they're a bunch of stupid kids doing stupid things) each one of them will go back to their homes like the three little pigs, until the big bad wolf comes huffing and puffing, to kill them and their families in ways we'll never see (?). At least we'll see the bad guy who is one of the creepiest looking villains ever (he looks a bit like the psychotic psychiatrist from Beyond The Black Rainbow).


Among The Living is the third film by Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Mary. Their debut was the "New French Extremity" masterpiece À l'intérieur aka Inside, and their second film Livid is equally good but quite different. ATL is their first film distributed in the USA and unfortunately it's their worst! Don't get me wrong, it's not bad in general, but in compare with their previous work, it is. I won't refer to plot-holes, slow pace, poor structure and other terms of little importance to a horror fan, but to the one and only thing that can ruin the experience of viewing an otherwise good slasher film. The off-screen kills! Those who are on-screen are great, especially one of them is very inventive, bizarre and kinda kinky, but that alone is not enough. It doesn't do any justice when eight out of ten kills are off! What were they thinking? Was it a matter of budget? It doesn't look like it because the production values are high. A horror movie is like sex (or the other way around) and the kill is like an orgasm (what the fuck are you talking about?). what's the point of creating atmosphere, gradually building tension and suspense if not to reach climax? The point where the victim faces the killer and gets brutally murdered? Instead of showing us exactly that, rub the gore in our faces, the camera just turns away and cuts to the after-kill scene, like you're watching a butchered by censorship version of the film. Like every time you're about to cum she stops, before she cuts off your arms.

"What if I don't torture the characters, and I torture the viewers instead?"

Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury directed Leatherface, a prequel to the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which is going to premiere in a few days. After the last instalment of the franchise (Texas Chainsaw 3D, the worst of the series by far) I had no interest for another TCM movie whatsoever, until I found out who were directing it. As I said earlier, I really like Inside and Livid and I have high hopes that these two French will create a "Leatherface" that we'll all love again (crossed fingers for no off-camera kills).

("Meh" trailer)

 (USA poster)

(French poster)

(Cool poster)

 "They didn't show the kill! AGAIN!"

 "Maybe here they will"


 "What about here?"


(It's called "wedge" for a reason)

"One out of three, it hurts you more than me"
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